So Buzzfeed, that site that, depending on our mood, we actually hate, just pretend to hate, or obsessively stalk for cute animal pictures/pointless quizzes, has decided to take on Baltimore with 13 Of The Most Baltimore Things That Have Ever Happened.
Actually, this isn’t Buzzfeed so much as Geico taking on Baltimore. This is one of Buzzfeed’s many bits of paid content masquerading as editorial content, which is a total no-no in the world of real journalism, but that’s subject for a whole other post. (In related news: Hey kids, get off our lawn!)
We get what Geico’s doing here: Trying to endear themselves to the people of Baltimore, so that when we think car insurance, we think, “Geico really gets us!”
And before you even click, you know exactly what you’re going to get: Crabs, The Wire, hons, Miracle on 34th Street. Let the clichés rain down upon us!
But here’s the funny part. They don’t even get the clichés right.
It starts with the image above: Basically a picture of a crab holding a mallet and drinking a beer (it’s not even a Natty Boh!). This is the kind of thing that if a friend posted on Instagram, they might get a smattering of “likes” and maybe a couple of “Dude, how drunk were you when you took that?” comments. It’s definitely NOT one of the 13 Most Baltimore Things That Have Ever Happened.
They also have not one, but two Baltimore Aquarium related entries (both curiously involving the Ravens), because yes, Baltimore is 2/13 Aquarium. Good call there, Geico.
Then there’s this bit of weirdness.
Okay, first of all, is she in some sort of snack and luggage store? Secondly, only an amateur gets the small pack of Berger’s Cookies. More importantly, with all due respect to Herr’s, the potato chip most closely associated with these parts is Utz.
Next there’s this:
That is SO Baltimore for a local bar to dress up its logo for the holidays! That doesn’t happen in ANY OTHER CITY IN THE WORLD! (Not offense to Nacho Mama’s which we love and which has tons of way cooler Baltimore stuff inside their bar: Irsay’s tomb, anyone?)
They end with this:
Johnny Unitas? Cool! Johnny Unitas with an American flag…kinda cool? (But definitely not one of the 13 Most Baltimore Things That Have Ever Happened. More like One Thing a Really Patriotic Guy Who Visited Baltimore Did That One Time.)
At least there is one bit of good news: They left John Waters off their stinkin’ list! Some things are just too cool for Buzzfeed.
(Psst, for a much better list of the things that make Baltimore uniquely wonderful, click here!)