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Review: Mother’s Day

Why?????

The movie Mother’s Day is so godawful, it doesn’t just give the titular holiday a bad name, it might actually give mothers a bad name. Everything about it is either lazy or insulting or both. It wastes the considerable talents of Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, and Julia freaking Roberts. It gives no insight into mothers or families or humans of any sort. The few chuckles it does have mostly come from Aniston doing some improvised histrionics at a vending machine or in her car. After seeing it, I wanted someone to hold me—my mother, preferably, but I was still subconsciously blaming her for this film. (I’ve since recovered. Love you, Mom!)

As you know, this is just the latest installment in Garry Marshall’s Holiday Universe, which also includes Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve. There are rumors that Marvel’s Universe has films planned through the year 2027. I can only imagine that Jacob Tremblay is clearing his schedule for 2027’s Arbor Day.

As always, the film has an anthology-style approach to storytelling, with most of the characters clunkily brought together by the end. Here are the various clichés (I mean, uh, storylines) it trots out:

Jennifer Aniston plays a mom adjusting to the fact that her ex-husband (Timothy Olyphant) has a hot, younger wife.

Jason Sudeikis is a widower, raising two daughters on his own, who spends too much time looking at old family videos and can’t bring himself to move on.

Julia Roberts is a Home Shopping Network celebrity who has no time for a family, because she’s a career woman! (Reminder: It’s 2016.) Turns out, she has a long-lost daughter (Britt Robertson), with a baby, giving her a chance to give in to those maternal longings after all!

Kate Hudson is married to an Indian doctor (Aasif Mandvi), with a child, but she hasn’t told her parents (Margo Martindale and Robert Pine), because they’re racists! They’re also homophobes, which means her sister (Sarah Clarke) can’t tell them that she’s a lesbian. (Okay, that’s not a cliché, it’s just plain weird.)

Are we having fun yet?

The film’s racial politics are definitely its sketchiest aspect. The only black character with a speaking part is a good friend of Sudeikis’s Bradley, played by Loni Love (who, like the rest of the cast, deserves much, much better). She’s overweight and funny and loud. At one point, she can’t get out of a chair. At another point, she does a funny pole dance—it’s funny because she’s overweight! Kate Hudson’s husband is called a “towelhead” by her parents, who also comment a lot on the dark skin of her child. In one scene, Kate and co. are pulled over by cops. Only the husband is asked to get on the ground, because the cops fear he might be a terrorist. Uproarious!

It’s not like white people get off much easier: the parents are the worst, lazy stereotype of middle Americans—traveling to visit their daughters in a RV that is bedecked in American flags and eagles and other jingoistic paraphernalia. They are hateful people that the film tries to make endearing.

Why do big stars keep making these movies with Marshall? Because they’re fun? Easy to make? A quick buck? Whatever the case, they need to stop, immediately. The future of the American family depends on it.