With apologies to The Onion:
After an unusually brutal winter that forced some Baltimoreans to occasionally wear a coat and even a hat, the region now braces for its biggest challenge yet: The Flurrypocalpyse.
The forecast, which calls for scattered snowflakes, has most of Baltimore preparing for a thorough and debilitating dusting.
“I’ll probably be able sweep the snow off my porch and car with a broom,” says Bill Denning, of East Baltimore. “But I may have to use a trowel or a spade. I guess this is why we train.”
Jane O’Reilly, of Essex, is worried that her sunflowers, which blossomed beautifully in early January, won’t be able to handle temperatures that might dip dangerously into the mid-30s.
“I’m freaking out a little,” she admits.
Says CEO of city schools Dr. Andres Alonso, “We are obviously monitoring the situation with great concern. We don’t want our students getting wet—or worse still—frizzy hair.”
Notes 6-year-old Owen Jennings, of Timonium: “I just hope there’s enough snow for one really awesome tiny snowball.”