Is two years old too young to learn about Jewish guilt?

Not in my house.

It started as kind of a joke. It seems that the instant Jack blew out the candles on his second birthday cake, he acquired the “terrible” trait that accompanies the age, as if it were among the new toys wrapped in the corner. “No” suddenly leaped to the top of the list of favorite words, passing “Mommy,” “Daddy,” and “Elmo.”

But Jack was, and is, an incredibly sweet, kind boy. Anytime anyone in a room says “ow,” he runs to their side and asks “ow?” and “kiss it?” before gifting a therapeutic kiss on the boo-boo. We’ve discovered that Jack’s kindness can outweigh his “terribleness” and we’ve used this discovery to shameful advantage. Whenever Jack refuses a kiss or hug—the hardest “no” to swallow—all I have to do is make a sad face and Jack will ask “Daddy sad?” And, if I nod, “Daddy want a hug?” Nod. Hug. Problem solved.

Except it didn’t stop there. This power was too great to be trusted to needy parents like us. When Jack refused to eat his vegetables, “Daddy sad.” When Jack wouldn’t wash his face, “Daddy sad.” Jack doesn’t want to go to bed, “Daddy sad.”

Of course, this is all very manipulative, but I didn’t really see the harm until I took it to the next level: I played the Elmo card. One night Jack really didn’t want to go to bed. He wanted to watch Elmo on TV. I pretty much had to drag him to this room, kicking and screaming, promising that he could see Elmo (the stuffed version) there. He was still unhappy when we got there, so I showed him Elmo, who he pushed away.

Then I tilted Elmo’s furry red head toward the ground and I said it: “Elmo sad.”

Jack looked up. “Elmo sad?” He grabbed Elmo, hugged him tight and repeated “sorry Elmo, sorry Elmo,” with more remorse then I’ve ever seen him show. For days, whenever he spotted Elmo, he’d continue the lament, “sorry Elmo, sorry Elmo.” He still does it and I fear I’ve messed with my sweet Elmo-loving boy’s head.

Have things gone too far?

For answers, I talked to Dr. Ralph Brown, a pediatrician and one of the “Top Doctors” listed in the most recent issue of Baltimore magazine. Is using guilt to get Jack to do things he doesn’t want to do out of bounds?

“Whatever techniques seem to get you through the day are usually fine,” he said, reassuringly. He cited recent observation studies that show two-year olds will only comply with parental requests about half the time. “You have to realize what you’re starting with, with a two-year-old,” says Dr. Brown. “Even the best, most compliant two-year-old is going to tell you ‘Go screw yourself’ 50 percent of the time. So then you gotta decide, what are you gonna do with that 50 percent when they’re just treating you like dirt.”

The doctor made some suggestions for getting past “no”:

— Try reverse psychology. “Don’t eat that vegetable, whatever you do, don’t eat it!” That usually works.

— Making games out of things, like “I bet I can pick up your toys faster than you can!”

— Guilt? No problem. “He really does want to please you—one of his goals in life is to make his parents proud of him,” says Dr. Brown. “You shouldn’t feel badly about that.” Whew!

But games and tricks won’t always work. Dr. Brown says sometimes a parent has to simply pick up a child and insist they follow parental instructions. This goes not just for dangerous situations—touching the stove, playing with knives—but from every day things like going to bed and cleaning up.

“Ultimately, it’s very important for parents to feel that they’re in charge,” he says. “If that’s not clear, it’s very unsettling for the parents to feel powerless over this two-year-old and I think it’s also very scary for the two-year-old—I mean, just think, to be running your family when you’re two years old. That’s just such a huge responsibility.”

Kids actually need and like the stability of having rules. “One of the most important words for kids to learn the meaning of is ‘no,’” says Dr. Brown, adding that parents should start teaching toddlers its meaning from about 9 months old. “When you say ‘no,’ you really have to take your child away from whatever they’re doing,” and give time outs when necessary.

Dr. Brown, who’s been practicing for 34 years says he can tell how parents will discipline their children by how self confident they are. “There are some parents who just have so little self-confidence that manifests itself in other areas, but when it comes to being a parent, it really is not helping your child,” he says. “If you’re not gonna let your boss treat you that way, you’re not going to let your mate come over and just hit you or bite you, why would you let a two-year-old do that to you?”

Temper tantrums are very normal for this age (check this out—especially the box on emotional development for two-year-olds—sound familiar?) “Life is very frustrating and kids at this age aren’t very good at handling frustration, so sometimes they are gonna get really upset when you tell them ‘no,’” says Dr. Brown. “It’s not a bad thing for a child to have a temper tantrum. Your goal in life should not be to keep your child from getting upset or worry about impinging their freedom.”

So, it sounds like we’ve got the go-ahead to a life of guilting our kids into submission (at least while they’re toddlers). I wonder if this works in other facets of life…

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No? Daddy sad.