Clash of the Titans

So here’s a dirty little secret about Clash of the Titans in 3D.

It was actually made in plain ol’ 2D. But after the success of a little movie I like to call Avatar, they used some sort of magic post-production wizardry to turn it 3D. The end result? It’s now officially hard to say what’s worse—the movie itself or the lame 3D graphics.

This is a remake, of course, of the camp classic starring Harry Hamlin—and, despite years of digital advancement, there’s still no way to show gods lording over earth on top of clouds and not have it look cheesy. Poor Ralph Fiennes, fresh from playing Voldemort, looks miserable as Hades, but Liam Neeson, all armor and godly glow, seems to actually be taking this Zeus thing seriously. “Release the Kraken!” he says majestically. Hey, it’s a living.

Sam Worthington plays demi-god Perseus, son of Zeus. (By the way, who says this guy gets to be a major movie star? He’s handsome enough, but, in this film in particular, he seems to be missing the charisma chip.) After his family is killed by Hades, he decides to help lead the human revolution against the gods. At first he refuses to use his status as a demigod to his advantage, but about two-thirds of the way through he says, “screw it” and hops on the Pegasus and wields a magic swordy thing. Good on him.

Since I’m the kind of gal who needs plot, dialogue, and character development to hold my interest, I was bored during large stretches of this film. There’s an attempt to do some lively banter among Perseus and his merry band of human warriors, but it’s hardly Shakespeare. There’s also a chaste (and dull) semi-romance between Perseus and his guardian angel (Gemma Arterton). But what the film is mostly interested in is kicking butt—Perseus fights these big lobster-like creatures, then snake-coiffed Medusa (actually kinda cool), and then the aforementioned Kraken sea monster, which is completely anachronistic in Greek mythology, by the way.

And what can I say, America? If you come out to this mediocre pseudo-3D movie in droves—and alas, I suspect you will—you really only have yourselves to blame.