Robin Hood

In my imagination, director Ridley Scott watched the classic Errol Flynn Robin Hood as a boy and sat there with his arms folded, considering a tantrum.

“That is wrong! wrong! wrong!” little Ridley fulminated, his beanie askew. “The dialect is wrong, the politics are wrong, and men did not wear tights!”

At that moment, he vowed to one day make a serious, grown-up, historically accurate version of Robin Hood.

And damned if that’s not exactly what he did.

To say that Scott managed to zap all the fun out of the endearing folkloric hero would be a bit extreme.

You just can’t go wrong Little John, Maid Marion, and Friar Tuck. But he comes pretty darn close.

For starters, he cast Russell Crowe as Robin Hood. Crowe definitely has that leader of men thing down, but he is not light on his feet, his eyes are more suited for smoldering than twinkling, and—how can I put this gently?—he’s too damn old to play Robin. Especially when you consider that this movie is prequel of sorts—Robin Hood: New to Nottingham.

After abandoning Richard the Lion’s army (which is in disarray after the King’s death), Robin finds himself in the small town of Nottingham, making good on a promise to a dying knight that he’d deliver his sword to his father (Max von Sydow).

The father knows that his estate will end up in the hands of the new, louche king (Oscar Isaac) unless he has an heir, so he enlists Robin to impersonate his son and pretend to be the long-lost husband to feisty Maid Marion (Cate Blanchett).

All this sounds kind of fun, but Scott spends a lot of time on long-winded speeches about rising up against tyranny from our titular hero and backstage royal politics. There are many, many battle scenes, not all of which I was particularly invested in. (But all historically accurate!)

There’s a scene, toward the end, where the Sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew MacFadyen) is putting up a wanted sign for Robin Hood, which Robin promptly spears with an arrow.

It’s that sense of play and mischief that is sorely lacking in this film. This is a Robin Hood that neither swashes nor buckles. And that’s just a darn shame.